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The Agony Aunt
This page is dedicated to helping those in need with friendly practical advice from your very own Agony Aunt Kane. A real potato? Agony aunt Kane. I went to a museum of victorian Britain only the other day, and discovered in one of the exhibits that there was a potato. I had expected said potato to be plastic but to my shock I discovered that it was in fact a VERY real potato. How should I break this revelation to my family and other loved ones? I fear they will disbelieve me if I tell them. But can't keep this to myself! Agony Aunt: It is often said that potatoes are the most deceitful of vegetables and it would seem that you have found a shape shifting victorian potato (potatoes only get more wicked and deceitful with age). Many people go mad after being bambozled by a potato that looks like it is made of plastic but turns out to be real. You are right about speaking out since most people do not understand the true nature of potatoes and thus do not see the potato for what it really is seeing only what the potato wants it to see. I recommend killing your family (it is better they are dead than if the potatoes find them first) and then join the secret society of McCain which is dedicated to ridding the world of poatoes by transforming them into harmless chips. Help me Obi-Wan Kane-obi, you're my only hope! I'm really hungover and don't want to pack my bags to leave but my train is booked and leaves in less than two hours. Short of spending the next hour and a half inventing teleportation, what should I do Kane? Agony Aunt: Whenever I want something I yell and it gets done or else... Not everyone is fotunate enough to be a feared dictator though so you should do the next best thing which is to announce that there is a bomb on the train which should delay the train long enough for your hangover to clear up. Theres a fly in my room I can't swat it. Help. Agony aunt: Enlist the help of a spider and then kill the spider leaving you as the dominant lifeform. I think my girlfriend is sleeping with her sister? Should I eat a banana? Or just be sad? Agony aunt:I can only recommend that your secretly film the encounter and post it online for apprasisal by experts. If your girlfriend is sleeping with her sister it is clearly a signal that you need to increase your sex appleal. Aquire a boombox and play bringing sexy back while eating a banana. Fucking Magnets Dear agony aunt - as a robot in charge of a nation of robots, I am worried that some of my people are becoming sexually aroused by magnets. I don't know how this is even possible because they're not even programmed with a sexual preference, let alone for magnets. How do I stem this magnet fetish before it grows out of control? Sethos xx Agony aunt:I fully understand your situation but you need to let your people experiment in a safe environment and create an atmosphere where robofolk of all ages and operating systems can explore their sexuality safely and without stiga which will lead to a better outcome for all. However I can definitely recommend that you clamp down on the more dangerous forms of mangetic sex activity such as horseshoe magnets and while many robots will be seeking an ever greater climax many do not have the circuitry to handle electromagnets so they must be protected form their own desires by making robots aware of their limits through public information campaigns. The new Doctor Who 50th Anniversary episode wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be This makes me very sad. How do I become less sad? There is no cure for this kind of sadness. :( It may be time to consider euthanasia.You may wan't to shop around to get the best deal. All hail me, I am god I am certain I am the one true god, but why won't anyone listen. Help me Kane? You must prove you are the one true god to convince the doubters who subscribe to the false god of science. You need to perform a miracle which could involve any of the following: *Impregnate a virgin without any loss of virginity. *Tell your story to an illiterate merchant and get him to write it down. *set a bush on fire but defy the laws of combustion and allow it to continue burning eternally. *Wash away the non believers in a flood while you and your followers are safely aboad an ark. That'll serve them right. *raise some of you followers from the dead and thus make their martydom a bit of a farce. If people still don't believe you are god in human form then you go all armageddon on them. Kanegella is dead! Dear Agony Aunt, I recently heard the news that Kanegella, Kane and Nigellas pride and joy, was killed by The Witness during a mission for The Avengers. I've tried everything but I don't know how I can go back to my normal life, no matter what I do I always end up thinking about the fact that she has died and I am overcome with an overwhelming desire to burst out in laughter as I run down the street with tears down my cheeks singing ding, dong the witch is dead. Whatever can I do Agony Aunt, I need your help! Yours, Random Citizen Agony Aunt: sick people like you deserve to be put into a sack and drowned. I suggest you staple your tear ducts shut. My Shirt is Mad at Me Dear Agony Aunt, My clothes feel sad when I no longer want to wear them. Is there anyway to protect their feelings without forcing myself to wear them? Yours, Widow Twankey Agony Aunt: I always burn my clothes, the thought that by donating them they may end up on the back of some salopian street urchin is too much to bear. Romantic Woes Dear Agony Aunt, For some reason people on online dating sites aren't responding to my messages. I don't know why. I figured "Glory To Kane" an acceptable first message to people, but they seem to be unbeleivers in Kane and all that he stands for. I would like to connect with these random strangers on the internet, but I don't know where I could cope with a relationship where the other party is ignorant to all that is Kane? Yours Kind of creepy Kane supporter.